Conflicting Emotions
by Futago no Seishi
Summary: Squall is struggling with his relationship with Rinoa, whether it is best to suffer and continue living the lie or to end it. But an encounter with his old rival stirs feelings that he thought never existed. Seifer/Squall. *yaoi* plz R/R
1. Living the Lie

Disclaimer: *sighs* Squaresoft still owns everything… But one day, when I discover cloning, Squall will be mine…

Warning: this fic contains YAOI. If you don't know what that is, or if you are offended by this type of material, I suggest that you click the back button on your browser and be on your happy way. But if this is what you came for, I hope you like it.

Author's Note: Hi… *waves timidly* Ok… breathe… whoo… Ok, I ask you to be kind to me. This is my first attempt at an angsty fic, a yaoi angsty fic too… So don't be too brutal on my lack of depressing thoughts and yaoi experience… I tried my best.

Ok, I really don't know how to summarize this because I really actually have no clue what I want to happen next… O.o;; SO far, it's Squall contemplating his current relationship with Rinoa, whether it is best to suffer like this and continue living the lie or to end it. But a chance encounter with his old rival surfaces feelings that he thought he never had. Whee! As you may have guessed, it's a Seifer X Squall pairing! My favorite! There is no action between those two lovely bishies yet, but don't worry, there definitely will be further into the story. *sighs* I hope I don't kill anyone with my terrible writing…

Seifer: Are you kidding me? They'll be dead by the time they read the first sentence.

You… *glares at her Seifer muse* One more word out of you and you won't be getting ANY action during this fic…

Seifer: O.O

I thought so… ^^ Now where was I? Oh yes, please read and enjoy!

Conflicting Emotions

By: Yaoi Dreamer

Chapter One: Living the Lie

            Darkness… that was all that he could see… all that he could feel… all around him. Enveloping… suffocating… destroying him… He was powerless against the intangible mass. The caliginous tones swirled around him, blinding him with its sheer lack of light, luster, life…

            He felt himself falling… endlessly through the layers of tenebrous light… Helplessly falling, dropping further and further down into the deep abyss of loathing and contempt. The animosity pierced his skin, the pain sharper than what any living being could inflict. The sharp sting quickly turned into a gut-wrenching burn, the pain searing throughout his whole body, mercilessly tearing away at what was left of his hollow, meaningless life…

            Drowning… that's what it was… He was drowning… drowning through all of his dark and obscure emotions, lost in the catacombs of his own mind… He was suffocating, the hatred and grief eating away at him, slowly diminishing him to him to a mere shadow of what he once was. He couldn't breathe, his body tortured beyond capacity, no longer able to bear any more pain. His lungs cried out for air, the hatred inside his own soul muffling the sound out, as if it believed he deserved to suffer…

            There was no escape…  nowhere to run… He couldn't extricate himself from the horrid situation. He was slowly dying inside… in the arms of his lover…

            But why? Weren't people comforted in the presence of their loved one? Isn't all of the anguish and suffering supposed to disappear with their kind words? The fear of being alone vanishing with their soft touch? Weren't those supposed to be… true?

            Then why weren't they for him…? When she was with him, he felt more alone than ever…  He was tortured when she was around, exhausted… tired of pretending to her… He words, no matter how kindly and caring she put them, stung, like deep welts scarring painfully at his soul… And her touch… no matter how soft and gentle, tore at his flesh like razor claws… 

            Everything with her was painful… But it wasn't supposed to be like this, was it? How come it wasn't perfect and wonderful like everyone said it was? How come the one he loved caused him the most agony?

            He did love her, didn't he? Of course he did. He rescued her from space, risked his life for her countless times, put her safety above his own… There was no other way to categorize those acts other than of love, right? She was everything to him, or at least he fooled into thinking so… And if she was to him, then he had to try to be the best for her. It was his duty, after all. He promised that he would always be there for her, her knight, waiting patiently by her side. And he would continue to keep his word, no matter how much suffering it caused him.

            So he decided, against his heart and better judgment, to continue living the lie… his life slowly crumbling away under him… 

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

            Squall woke up, the early morning light lazily creeping in through the cracks in the closed blinds, casting complicated patterns of dancing light across the room. The air was almost tranquil, the room gladly welcoming the bright, beautiful new day. He knew that he should have at least been relaxed by the peace around him, but he wasn't. Inside, he wanted to scream his throat hoarse. 

            And the reason for that lay comfortably snug into his side… Rinoa… The nausea increased and he felt his stomach do an involuntary lurch. He began to feel slightly dizzy, an insistent pounding starting in his head. He slowly lifted his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will the headache away along with the horrid memories that plagued his already tortured mind…

            They had made love for the first time last night, if that was what you could even call it. She had wanted it, and being dutiful to her, he had obliged. Though as he thought of it, he had to resist the urge of biting his arm off just to get her vile body off him.

            He remembered the way her body felt under his arms… alien, unattractive, undesireable. He couldn't understand why though. He himself knew that many of the male students in Garden would give anything to touch those perfect curves. But yet, here he was, disgusted by the feel of it.

            Then when she slid herself on him… Hyne he wanted to vomit. It felt sick, repulsive, completely wrong… But he had a duty to her, so he willed himself to become aroused for her pleasure, even though it hurt him deeply inside. His body shuddered unwittingly at the thought of her tight flesh around him, the revolting feeling of its wetness. Breathing was becoming difficult for him as he tried to control his body's rage for the act he committed last night. Why did he feel like this? Why wasn't sex enjoyable? It was supposed to be even though he was a virgin, right?

            His thoughts were cut short when he felt a lazy stirring in his side. He bit his bottom lip roughly, holding back a scream that threatened to escape as he watched her long eyelashes flutter open. Her chocolate eyes gazed up at him, her small mouth curving into a contented smile. He forced his lips to curve up at the corners the tiniest bit as he looked down at her, hoping that the look didn't reek of disdain.

            "Morning, love." Her voice was husky still, the waves of slumber just starting to ebb away. The way she looked at him… if anyone else had seen that look, they would have seen emotional contentment, happiness, some could say love… But all that he saw was… nothing… He simply saw nothing in her eyes. They were emotionally devoid… Maybe because all of his feelings were illusions, so he couldn't see real ones no matter how hard he tried.

            "Morning…" He tired to put some feeling into his voice that wasn't contempt or disgust, but it came out completely impassive… no feelings at all… He had lied too long… he just knew it. He had lost the connection to any of the natural human emotions that he may have once had. They were locked deep inside a vault in his heart, and he had lost the key the same moment that the had lied to his heart… No, he still had emotions after Ellone left, unlike what most people believed. He still felt… but now all he could feel was a sick feeling in his stomach… What truly deprived him of this was Rinoa. It was all lost when he fooled himself into loving her out of what he felt his duty to her…

            She looked up him, her eyes dancing with curiosity and a hint of sadness. "What's wrong, Squall?" She looked a bit before a teasing glint appeared in her eyes. "What, wasn't I good enough for you last night?" 

            He had to bite hard on his tongue to refrain from telling her repulsive last night was to him. He wanted to tell her how his stomach threatened to heave, how his head pounded tremendously, how his balance was ridiculously off… But instead, he shook his head and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on her lips… But her lips didn't taste sweet like most people say their lover's do… It left a nasty taste on his tongue… One he wanted to wash away immediately then promptly cut his tongue off to save himself from the torture of it again.

            She smiled brightly at him again. "Then cheer up." She wound her think arms around his torso and squeezed him gently.

            The scream was almost rolling off of his tongue as her arms wrapped around him. He felt his heart pounding and his stomach protesting… This wasn't right… It felt like he was being squeezed to death by an Anacondour instead of embraced by his girlfriend. He needed to get away from her… and he thanked the heavens for his job as he checked he clock. Clearing his voice of the disgust he felt, he whispered as softly as he could in her ear, as if he was afraid of waking up a demon.

            "Rinoa… it's almost eight… I have to go to work. Xu will be down here screaming at me if I'm not in my office on time." He thanked Hyne as he felt the talons release him, unwilling if not, but they were still retracting. 

            "Fine…" She muttered and slowly sat up, ignoring the fact that the covers slid down and revealed her figure. She stretched and glanced demurely at him as if expecting him to be turned on somewhat.

            As he looked at her body, he felt himself grow queasier. But instead, he forced an interested look on his face before teasingly shoving her to the side of the bed, even though deep down he wanted to slam her into the ground.

            "Hmph." She turned and got up, sticking her nose in the air as she grabbed her clothes off the floor to over up her bare form. He knew that he should have been checking her out as she bent over to pick up certain items, but he couldn't. And why should that be awkward when he couldn't even stand to feel her touch, no matter how tender. He sighed to himself as he averted his eyes from the punishment of having to watch her dress.

            He was staring at the white standard Garden sheets when he felt a hand lifting is face up. He prepared himself for the worst as her lips rested on his. His insides wrenched as her tongue pushed gently in, running over the ridges on the roof of his mouth. He almost gagged as she straddled his hips in order to push closer. He ordered his shaking hands, not from desire but from disgust, to run along her back, his own lips begging to be relinquished from the torture. He pulled away and pretended -that wasn't new to him- to pant as if he needed air. His stomach lurched dangerously as he tried not to think of the vile taste in his mouth.

            She slowly got off of him and waltzed off to the door. She opened it and before she walked off, much to his dislike, she looked over her back and winked at him. She cooed seductively, like that would ever work on him. "See you later, Squall." With that said, she sauntered off to her own business. He knew just what she meant by that, and he felt the numbing sensation pass over his body again.

            Squall watched as the door clicked shut. He got up shakily, the room slightly wobbling and made his way over to the bathroom. By the time he made it to the door, his nausea gave in. He barely made it inside before his stomach lurched again in protest. He sank to the cool, smooth floor grasping to the porcelain toilet as he emptied the contents of his stomach.

            Maybe living the lie was turning out worse than he imagined…

Author's Note: O.O *rereads the chapter* -____-;;; dear lord that sucked… I realized this was incredibly short, but I just couldn't seem to write anymore for some reason… *sighs* Ok, so I'm sorry if I killed anyone with this piece… Just please read and review if you liked it. I hope I'll get the next chapter done soon. I'll post it if I don't get a truckload of flames… (which I doubt will happen… I can almost feel the flames being ignited… ) Oh, and _please_ tell me if you want me to continue…

Seifer: You _hope_… But we know you'll get flames galore. And where the hell was _I_ in this fic?

Sock it, before I take up on my "no sex" policy in this ficcy… You'll come in soon enough. Geez, be patient.

Seifer: N-n-no… no… s-sex?!?

::smiles evilly:: Oh, where was I? Oh yes, Seifer will be coming in the next chapter, don't worry. I think I'm actually starting to get an idea of where to take this ficcy now… *laughs sheepishly* ^.^;; Well, anyways, please R/R. Won't you? Pretty please? *gives readers the puppy-dog eyes* All I want is a measly 7 reviews! (hmm… why 7, I will never know… *shrugs*) That isn't too much to ask for… is it…? Ack…. I suck… why would I even get 2 reviews? *sobs*… ok… must stop the self hate…


	2. Rising Emotions

Disclaimer: Still no luck on the cloning… and Squaresoft doesn't seem to be giving in anytime soon…

Thank You's: I'd like to thank all of you beautiful reviewer people for reviewing. Your nice comments is what inspires me to continue writing. You are all great! *huggles reviewers* To Cass-chan: I'm sorry that you find my work clichéd, predictable, boring, and unoriginal. I thought that I was doing ok at not making it so predictable, but it seems you disagree. I don't know how to make it less boring for I don't know what's wrong with it personally. *shrugs* If you don't like my work, I'm sorry I couldn't write to your liking.

Author's Note: Wow, I'm back again. Can't believe that I got my 7 reviews so quickly… And since I did, here is the next chapter like I promised. I'm sorry about the spelling mistakes in the last chapter, I'll try to be more careful this time. And I also realized that I labeled the last chapter with my old pen name… -__-;;; Please forgive that horrible and stupid mistake… That's why I have uploaded it again and tried to fix all of the spelling errors. Well, I just got some inspiration with the help of my _sexy_ Squall muse and now here I am with a done chapter already. I'd like to thank my lovely Squall for all of his help in the angst department for this.

Squall: Whatever…

Isn't he just precious? *huggles Squall much to his dislike*

Squall: -___-;;

*coughs* Um, where was I? Oh yes, in this chapter, Seifer makes his grand entrance!

Seifer: Bout time too.

*glares at him* As I was saying, he meets up with Squall and stirs up some emotion that Squall had thought long dead. And now, confused and conflicted, Squall begins contemplating the lie his life had become. I do realize that this exact scene has been done to death, but this is my first fic (as mentioned before) so I wanted to start out with something that I could work easily around. Goody goody angst and electricity (at least on Squall's part) between these two beautiful bishounen. Whee! Enjoy!

Conflicting Emotions

Chapter Two: Rising Emotions

By: Yaoi Dreamer

            Work, work, work, and more bloody damn work… That was all that Squall knew… for the moment that is. He sighed tiredly as long, slender fingers reached up and began slowly running circles over his throbbing temples in an attempt to relieve the racking headache that had struck up when he woke up to the sight of his so called "lover". His eyes fluttered close as he slouched into the chair, attempting to sort out the jumbled thoughts inside of his muddled mind. At first, the massive piles of paper cluttering up his desk took up his attention, but quickly his thoughts returned to the reason why he had this piercing headache in the first place.

            Rinoa… His head pounded in protest to the thought. It had gone on too long… he knew this as clear as day now, except no matter where he went, his world was murky and despondent… The darkness was drawing nearer, closing in on him. He coul barely breathe, its grip on him so intense, choking whatever was left of his life right out of him. 

            It had been a year since the Second Sorceress War, and so much had changed. Squall was positioned as the new headmaster of Garden, even though he vehemently wished that they hadn't placed the job in his hands. But out of his sense of duty, he took it. Quistis was reinstated as an instructor once more under his admission, much to her pleasure. She still loved teaching just as much as before, and was now an even more outstanding instructor than she was before. Selphie had finally given up on the troublesome Irvine and gotten herself settled with Zell. Energy with energy… Everyone had feared that combination, but they actually seemed to mellow each other out. It seemed like everyone had matured after the whole Ultimecia incident, including Irvine, the resident "lady's man" of Garden. Though he still had a wandering eye, he seemed to take relationships seriously now, and had miraculously gotten with Quistis after months of flowers, candies, and sweet words. The only one in their group that was truly alone was Squall.

            Yes, he considered himself alone, because being with Rinoa only seemed to heighten his degree of loneliness, though he had never let anyone know about this. He was just as stoic and detached as before. Much more so actually, but he hid it well and acted slightly less like the icy glacier he was known as around his friends to string them along his lie. Deep inside, he didn't even know what true happiness was anymore. It was hidden underneath layers upon layers of false emotions.

            He snorted as he thought of how everyone thought of his relationship with Rinoa. "True Love" was what most people declared it as. It was _far_ from that if anyone knew what was really going on. He had never really _loved_ her. He had a duty to her, and that was what he believed it was, even now. If he broke it off, he'd be failing his promise to her, and he wasn't about to do that. Even thought the lie was eating him alive, he knew he couldn't break it now… His life had been a lie for a year now; he had lost his real life. If he gave up this fake one, what would there be?

            Nothing… That's what would be left. The falsity had become a reality. If he got rid of the lie, he got rid of his life. He didn't know how to go back to the real life, for the truth had been lost when he began believing the fib… He would never know if he was true to himself anymore once he had forced himself to take the lie as the truth. Now he was stuck where he was, crumbling inside behind the mask he had constructed around himself to hide away from the world.

            He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the loud beep of the intercom. He shoved a couple of papers out of the way and angrily slammed the button. "_What?_" He knew that he could make a simple question like that an order to confess your sins, and he used it to his advantage. Xu had interrupted one of his good old depressing brooding sessions, and he was pissed. And he was just starting to feel suicidal too. Why did she have to interrupt his dark and despondent thoughts? It better have been a good reason.

            "S-sir…" He allowed himself a hint of a smirk as he heard ther fear in her voice. Apparantly he could still scare anyone out of their wits with a single, hissed word. "There is someone very… _interesting_ here to see you."

            Squall resisted the urge to grab Lionheart and ram it through the machine. He was _not_ in the mood to see anyone right now. He just wanted to be left alone to mull over his thoughts and drown himself in the mutiny of papers on his desk. Rinoa wasn't with him, so he needed something to suck the will and life out of him…

            "Fine," he spat. He could almost hear Xu flinch, and it pleased him for some odd reason. Maybe his hateful thoughts were bringing him pleasure to hear other people suffer too. Pushing the thought aside, he finished the command in his usual monotone voice. "Send them in." Closing the link, he leaned back in his chair to stare impatiently at the door.

            When he didn't see it open immediately, he went back to staring at the document he was working on before his headache had pulled him away. He was skimming over the paper and contemplating how to solve the problem when he heard the door quietly -almost timidly- open. He heard the soft, hesitant footsteps -disturbingly familiar- and the subtle click of the closing door.  Absently, he tucked a silky strand of his sable colored hair behind his ear before titling his head up. The sight that met his eye stopped his heart and cut his breath short. The clang of of his dropped pen was the only noise he heard as he stared at his visitor.

            Seifer… Seifer Almasy… The Sorceress' Knight… his rival… his closest companion…. The only one that could ever make him express _pure_ emotion… was standing tentatively in front of the closed door, staring down at his rigid figure. His lungs twisted in agony and cried out for air as his throat tightened. Seifer… was _alive_…

            He looked almost the same as the last time Squall had seen him. His gray trench coat hung loosely around his ankles, slightly covering the soft, black, leather pants that clung suggestively to his legs and the tight black shirt that replaced his blue vest. His golden hair was a little longer than before, the stubborn strands hanging down on his forehead, sweeping closely to his eyebrows. Other than that, he looked just like the man Squall once fought with.

            But as Squall looked at his eyes, he saw an incredible change. The jade green orbs looked tired, remorseful… clouded over with regret… There was no longer a hint of arrogance; even the intense passion was gone. All that was left were the dead emotions. They looked so different that he barely recognized any trace of Seifer. It was like the man he knew had died, a mourning shell all that was remaining of him. As Squall studied the beautiful yet somber eyes, he noticed that Seifer was also relatively thinner, but still retained his well-defined figure. His cheeks were almost inconspicuously sunken in, and dark circles rimmed those melancholy eyes. He took back what he thought earlier. Seifer had changed drastically; mature over his age from all of the pain he went through. Squall didn't need to talk to him to know this. He saw it all in his eyes.

            Squall continued staring at the advancing figure, his mouth hanging open as he nervously gulped in breaths. He blinked a couple of times, expecting the image in front of him to disappear at any moment, but it didn't. Seifer was really actually _here_. His heart was pounding so furiously, it nearly hurt. Through his constricted throat, he managed to find his voice, whispering softly for he didn't trust it to stay steady.

            "Seifer…" The tone was almost incredulous, as if he still didn't believe the figure in front of him was real, bit there was also sadness… the sadness he felt for Seifer and his own sadness for not have been able to find him for so long.

            Seifer looked away from his gaze, an ashamed expression passing over his attractive features as he nervously bit hi lip. "Looks Squall… before you hurl me out of the Garden, please just-"

            Before Squall even knew what he was doing, he had stood up and reached over the desk, placing his fingers on Seifer's mouth, stopping him in the middle of his sentence. Seifer's lips went slack as he shot his gaze back to Squall and looked confusedly at him.

            But Squall didn't pay attention to the stare. All he could concentrate on was the electricity hat shot through his body where he touched Seifer. It felt so good -the racing feeling throughout his entire body- that he didn't realize that he had let his eyes flutter close, allowed his lips to part and take in shaky breaths. His hand moved on its own volition, slowly tracing the sensuous curves of the lips it rested on. The flesh was so soft, the skin so moist… When Squall finally broke out of his trance, He noticed what he was doing and snatched his hand away, catching a glimpse of a bewildered Seifer before he turned away, embarrassed, a light blush creeping across his cheeks.

            The energy still seemed to flow through his fingers as he thought over what he had done. Why had he done it? And why did it feel so damn _good_? The confusing thoughts fought within his mind as he tried to separate them and identify them. What was that that he was feeling?

            They both stood in silence for a long time as he struggled through the conflicting emotions. Squall, who couldn't stand his feelings anymore, directed his attention back to the fidgeting blond on the other side of his desk. He took a deep breath and tried to gather whatever composure he had left.

            "Seifer…" He breathed he name. He couldn't talk, not even if he wanted to. His voice was unstable, just like the emotions that he thought had died long ago. But all of a sudden, they spring back to life at the sight of the only one that could actually make them surface before. "I…" He couldn't apologize. Not because he didn't want to for his malfeasance, but because deep down somewhere in his heart, he didn't regret what he had done. And that was probably what disturbed him the most. "I…" He began to wonder just why Seifer was here for the first time that evening. Of course. He felt like smacking himself for not realizing earlier. Seifer had come to ask to be allowed back into the Garden. And he was absolutely willing to let him back in. "If you want to come back to the Garden, you're always welcome."

            He watched as the expression of Seifer's face was replaced by one of joy. And then he promptly cursed himself for feeling butterflies in his stomach as he stared mesmerize as those sensuous lips he had caressed twisted into a genuine smile, not his trademark smirk. He saw the a heavy weight almost lift off Seifer as he looked absolutely happy. He positively glowed when he smiled, and for some unexplained reason, Squall was awed by the attractive face.

            "Thank you, Squall." No nicknames, no sarcastic tone, no witty remark. Seifer really had changed.

            "Seifer…" Squall couldn't help but murmur. It was just like how he couldn't tear his eyes away from the blond man in front of him, as if they were the two opposite ends of a magnet. "Sit down please." He looked away finally, abashed that he had been gawking at the other for so long. He rationalized to himself that it was probably the shock of seeing Seifer again that was making him feel all of this. It had to be. There was no other explanation for it. "We need to talk."

            Seifer obeyed and sat down, his face sobering a bit. Squall mentally beat himself for sounding so impassive. He braced himself on his desk with his arms and lowered himself into his chair, afraid that his legs would give way any second. But why was he feeling weak in the knees in the first place? He shook the thought out of his mind. That was something he dindt need to worry about right now. They simply sat for a moment, each contemplating what to say next. Squall finally found the courage and spoke up.

            "Where have you been all of this time, Seifer?" Memories of countless searches for the lost knight passed through his mind. No one could understand why he had to find Seifer so much, hell even he couldn't. It was just that they had always been the closets, as hard to believe as it is. They could always count on each other to watch their backs. It was Seifer that had carried him to the infirmary after he passed out from the battle that left them both with scars, not someone else. It was always Seifer watching out for him. The rivalry wasn't brought on by hate, according to popular belief. There was just a certain need to match up to the other. They had always idolized each other, and strived to be the on the same pedestal that they placed the other on. It wasn't really a rivalry at all, more like a contest to see who could match up to the other, though they didn't really quite realize this yet. There was never any enmity between them. Squall could never hate him. Not even when Seifer was torturing him did he feel any resentment towards the older man. He actually had felt sorry for him then, so lost and confused. He wanted to help him find his way, not destroy him. It tore his heart open when he couldn't be found after the war. Hence the mad searches fro his closest companion, though he didn't even realize how much he cared for the other man.

            "You… don't hate me…?" The question was almost puzzled, as if Seifer couldn't believe he wasn't getting his brains screamed out.

            "Of course not." Squall answered flatly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to him, it was. He never hated Seifer, he probably cared more for him than all of his friends he realized. It was absurd that Seifer would ever think a thing like that. "I could never hate you…"

            "I did try to kill you and everyone else…. multiple times…" He looked away, the guilt and anguish plain on his face.

            "That wasn't you." He sighed sadly. "You were controlled by Ultimecia then, you didn't know what you were doing… Seifer… I know you would never truly want to hurt me…" The emotions were rising stronger, and he bit down on his bottom lip and chided them for acting up so wildly.

            "Yes I did, I watched as I-"

            "If you don't shut up now, I'll royally kick your ass." Squall smiled teasingly. He didn't quite understand why, but he felt so relaxed and comfortable around Seifer. And amazingly talkative too. It was just that something about Seifer triggered all of these emotions inside of him that he thought were forever dormant.

            Seifer smirked and cocked his head to the side. "I'd like to see you try, Leonhart." Now this was the Seifer he knew, just like the old times.

            Squall grinned and raised one eyebrow in a challenging manner. "Maybe later. But now, you still have to answer my question."

            The cocky visage softened and he lowered his voice once again. "Dollet…" The whisper was timid, as if he was ashamed of it.

            "_Dollet_? We searched that place up and down!" Squall couldn't believe the apparent stupidity of the SeeDs hey were putting out now.

            "It's not their fault." It was like Seifer could read his thoughts. Maybe they knew each other better than they thought. "I hid when they were in town." He shrugged hesitantly, as if afraid to disclose the reason why. "I was scared that they were looking for me to drag me back for my sentence or something…" He trailed off, a haunted look in his eyes.

            Squall couldn't believe what he heard. Seifer… _scared_? He could barely believe it. Seifer was always so confident, full of passion. It was almost unheard of to hear him say he was afraid of _anything_. And more so, he was afraid of the one that cared for him more than he probably did for himself. "I would _never_ want to hurt you, Siefer…" squall looked him straight in the eyes and saw how they were clouded over with emotion. "I just wanted to find you… because I wanted to see you again…" He felt the heat rush to his cheeks as he admitted it.

            "You wanted to see… _me_?" Seifer looked perplexed, as if the idea of anyone _wanting_ to see him was ridiculous.

            "Of course I did. I… missed you…" He was sure there was a prominent blush on his face now, and he was quite embarrassed by the fact that _Seifer_ caused him to do so. He couldn't even understand why still. They just sat there in silence again, but it was a comfortable silence, almost natural feeling. It wasn't like they were rushing to find something to say. They were just basking in the quiet.

            Squall looked at the cloak and groaned, causing Seifer to look at him with a baffled expression. He rubbed his eyes irritably as the headache that he had tried to get rid of earlier, came back full-force. He shook his head sadly and looked up at Seifer. "Look, I have to go…"

            Seifer nodded before he could finish and stood up, straightening his coat. "I'll go get settled back in. Same dorm as before?"

            A meek smile escaped his lips as he nodded his head in agreement. "I wouldn't let anyone touch that room, so everything should be as you left it, just a little dusty."

            Another smile graced the handsome complexion, causing Squall to feel jittery inside again, for an unknown reason. He watched as his childhood friend turned and headed to the door, his steps just a little louder and more confident than when he first arrived. Before Seifer opened the door, he turned around the faced Squall again.

            "Thank you." His appearance was grateful, glad that he was accepted again by the one that he thought hated him.

            "It was my pleasure." And that was the truth. It had been wonderful to see Seifer again, and he was even happier that the blond was here to stay. …_Happy?_ He thought he would never know that feeling again, but then, he had also thought he had lost his emotions, when in fat they were just simply locked away and he had lost the key. And the key had just waltzed into his office a couple of minutes ago. He _was_ happy, the first time in longer than a year.

            But another glance at the clock brought him crashing back down into the pitiful quagmire that he was stuck in. For once, he felt like he had a _real_ life again, and living the lie felt pointless now. As he passed a bewildered looking Xu, headed down the elevator, and continue down the hallways of the dorms, he wondered whether living the forgery any longer was actually worth it.

Author's Note: Ok, so I finished this chapter up late at night and decided to post it up… I hope I don't get flamed…

Seifer: _Finally!_ I'm in the story! And Squally, you're _sooo_ sweet to care about me like that.

Squall: Whatever…

*drools* aren't they just great! (lol) So please send me your comments on this and I'll get working on the next chapter once I get some inspiration out of these boys. I just need 15 reviews and I'll post the next chapter up if I'm done. That isn't too much to ask for, is it…? If not, I'll have it up as soon as possible. I think I actually have an idea of what I'm writing! (for once…) ^__^ Thanks so much for reading!


	3. A Haunted Mind

Disclaimer: - -;;; Bleh… I still own nada… *sobs*

Thank You's: *faces the reviewers* I love all of you guys! What you say is what keeps me going on with this story. Thanks SO much for the encouragement! ^-^ *hugs reviewers* You're all so awesome! To Redrum: Ok, thanks so much for the tip. I will remember not to ask for a certain amount of reviews any more. I didn't mean to be rude! Honest! *sobs* ok… I'm over it... (lol)

Author's Note: Mwahahaha! I'm back! *bends back laughing maniacally like evil villains do while thundering and lightning starts up in the background* Ok, that's enough with the special effects Quezacotl. *Quezacotl stops and vanishes* ^.^;; Heh heh heh… what was I going to say again…? O.o… damn u short-term memory! (lol)

Oh yes, I remember now. I was going to talk about my story… *laughs sheepishly* Well, in this chapter, I decided to switch the action over to our favorite blonde god for a change.

Seifer: Damn right too. Squall was hogging all of the attention. It's MY turn to be in the limelight!

Squall: … I didn't ASK to be written bout… *points to Yaoi Dreamer* She did it!

Hey hey hey! When did you guys start blaming me for everything?

Both: Because you control us.

^^;; Oh yeah… that's right… Oh yes, back to the summary. Well in this chapter, I'm going to be focusing only on Seifer and explaining a bit of what happened to him, and his inner turmoil also. *nods her head* Yups. But don't worry, next chapter we'll return to Squall and *shudders* Rinoa…

Squall: *cries* The horror!

Seifer: *hugs Squall* There there, babe… It'll be all right soon. *glares at Yaoi Dreamer* Isn't that right?

Hey! You don't threaten me! Remember, I control you!

Seifer: *blanches and glances nervously at the "no sex" sign nearby and nods, holding tightly onto Squall*

Good, oh and one last thing. I've changed the rating on this thing to R. Why you ask? Because I'm afraid there is too much plot and angst for me to fit in a lemon yet… *sobs* But no worries. I will probably (hopefully) spit out a nice lil pwp sometime soon. Depends on how _inspirational _my muses are… *lecherous grin* (lol) Now enough of my endless rambling (I know it must be getting horribly tiresome by now) and onto the ficcy! Oh and sorry for the slow update. My computer crashed and I had to get it fixed… *kicks computer*

Conflicting Emotions

Chapter Three: A Haunted Mind

By: Yaoi Dreamer

            Walking out of the office, Seifer gently closed the door, staring intently at the mahogany slab of wood as if trying to see through it, just to see the one inside the room once more. He sighed quietly to himself and walked over to the couch in the waiting area, picking up his small suitcase and heading towards the elevator, ignoring the odd look that Xu cast his way. He couldn't give a damn bout what she thought, or anyone else for the matter. He only cared about one person's opinion…

            Stepping into the little elevator, he waited for the doors to slide shut before pressing the button for the first floor. Setting his suitcase down once more, he leaned against one of the glass walls, looking down at the familiar fountain coming closer and closer to him as he descended. Hyne, he really did miss did place, even though he wouldn't even admit it to himself. All of his old memories were here… the good times, the bad times… the times he spent with Squall…

            Squall… He had accepted him so easily, so openly… his heart bled at the kindness that was shown to him. Squall, his friend, old rival, his romant-

            The elevator coming to halt snapped him out of his thoughts and he picked up his luggage once more, tentatively stepping out onto the steps around the beautifully carved fountain in the center of the Garden. He glanced nervously around, thanking the stars that no one was out roaming the corridors late at night. The last thing he needed was to be taunted, stared at, ridiculed, hated… He just wanted to crawl in bed and die… He didn't need people around to reduce him to less than what he already was…

            He quickly made his way to the dormitories, racing along the familiar path to his old room. He paused in front of it, trying to remember his code, his mind muddied from all of the emotional torture it had gone through. He glanced around making sure that no one was coming near when his eyes set on the door opposing his. A door so familiar, one he had passed everyday, one that he had knocked constantly on, one that he had dreamed to be inside of… Squall's old room.

            Seifer swallowed quickly and tried to calm the raging emotions filling up inside him and punched in a random code that he remembered. Miraculously, it was the correct one the door slid open noiselessly, exposing a dark room, the familiar shadows reaching his eyes, the way just as he had remembered it. He stepped inside and a slight breath of wind tickled his back, signaling that the door had closed. The room was awash in darkness, just the way he felt…

            He maneuvered with ease along in the cover of dark, everything the way it was when he had ran away over a year ago to Timber… He threw his pack into the corner of the room, slinking down onto the bed, unmade since long ago. He hunched over, his arms bracing himself on his thighs, as he breathed deeply, trying in vain to calm himself down. A shaking hand reached up to his face, lightly tracing over his lips, the tingle still there from when Squall had touched them…

            Squall… His mind was instantly stuck on the beautiful brunette once more… He could never stop thinking about him, no matter how much he tried. The stoic beauty ruled his mind, spirit, his dreams…

            Seifer shuddered at the thought of his dreams, for it only reminded him of one thing. Ultimecia… How he had blindly followed her… No one knew what had attracted him to her in the first place… No one knew that it was his own desire that drove him to work mindlessly for her. She took his dreams and twisted them, turning everything he had ever wanted upside down and forcing him to believe it as the truth. Her metallic laugh, her painful claws, her piercing eyes… Oh those horrid yellow eyes, they haunted him day and night… never once was he in peace.

            His romantic dream… No one knew what it was, and no one probably ever would. But she had pried into his mind and discovered his secret desire, and mocked him for wanting such a thing. She made him feel disgusted with himself for his needs, and she had twisted his dream into unimaginable nightmares, turning what was once pleasant into terrifying images…

            But still he couldn't stop thinking about him… Yes, Squall was his romantic dream… and he was always on his mind, and Ultimecia had used it against him, manipulating him like a puppet using his own desires. Every time he had thought about the sultry boy, he inevitably let his mind wander to his more guarded emotions… But she had found him, fantasizing about the commander of Garden one night, and she had punished him dearly for it… The things she forced his mind to imagine… the images of what was happening to Squall… He saw the blood on his hands, heard the agonized screams…

            He felt something wet splatter onto his forearm, and looking down to see what it was, he noticed that his eyesight was blurry, and it occurred to him what had happened. He was crying… Seifer Almasy was in his old dorm room in the Garden he once nearly destroyed _crying_… over what? He nonchalantly wiped away another stray tear and tried to dig deep inside his mind and figure out just what thought had brought him to tears for the first time since his childhood. Was it the pain of remembering what that evil witch had done to him? No… he had gotten over that when he was lost for a while in Time Compression… wandering the timeless, abandoned plains… drowning in his own sorrow and misery… That was when he had attempted to let go of his past… He had finally forgot some of the things that she did to him then. Then what was it that had triggered his fierce emotions?

            Then it dawned on him… Squall… unrequited love… It had hurt him so much when Squall had so eagerly accepted him.

_But why?_

A little voice rang out in the back of his mind.

_Why does it hurt that he accepted you back?_

_Because he did it out of pity._

_He did? Really?_

_Of course. Why else would Squall have let me back in?_

_You think he touched your lips so softly out of pity?_

……

Seifer couldn't think of anything to reply to the voice in his mind about that. Why did Squall caress his lips so gently, trace the soft flesh so adoringly? He bit his lips as he thought, sending a light tingle along them, only reminding him of the electricity that ran through them as those long fingers traced them so sensuously.

_You don't know why he did that, do you?_

I… 

_Did you ever think that the stone lion of Balamb could have feelings for you?_

Me? Squall have feelings for me? 

Seifer blinked as he thought about it.

Only in my dreams… 

_How do you know? What if he does? You don't know, do you?_

I… 

_Starting to see the reason in all of this?_

Seifer stared in the dark at the wall… at the picture of Squall that he knew that was there. Squall and him… they were younger then, sixteen and fifteen. They had taken that picture out in the woods of Balamb one day when they had ditched class. He didn't need light to see what the picture looked like. He had the moment etched into his memory. Closing his eyes, he imagined that day long ago, the sunny afternoon… on which he discovered his feelings for the brunette.

They were both in their uniforms, sweaty from the sparring they had just done, their gunblades held in hand. The soft spring sunlight filtered in through the leaves and into the clearing, bathing everything in spots of soft light. The air was warm, the breeze gently ruffling their hair as they leaned against a nearby tree. They didn't say anything, both somewhat glad that the training session hadn't ended in complete mayhem with one of them being dragged to the infirmary by the other. Both just sat in silence, looking up at nature's creations, marveling in the beauty of everything.

Seifer was just looking around, watching the little butterflies flit by. Soon he was bored and turned to face his sparring partner and suggest going back, only to gape instead of speak, for his thoughts had already left him.

            Squall was running a hand through his hair, the soft strands parting and falling back down again onto his forehead, the light sheen of sweat glistening in the lazy sunlight. His eyes were closed, his head bent back as his lips parted and his tongue darted out to slide sensually between them, leaving a soft shine behind. His pale skin glowed under the golden light, his long neck exposed as he rolled his head to the side, cracking it lightly. All Seifer could do was stare, stare at the way those wet lips pushed out in a barely noticeable pout, the way the long, dark lashes fluttered lightly against the pale skin, the way the muscles in the slender neck moved lightly under the skin…

            Squall leaned further back against the tree and sighed softly, contented and relaxed. One eye slid open, and fixed at him, watching him curiously, and soon, the other followed. His eyebrows knitted together slightly as he looked at him.

            "What are you staring at?"

            Seifer blinked and snapped out of his trance.

            "Me?" He punctuated his question by raising his eyebrows. "Nothing."

            "Ok." He watched entranced as the slim shoulders raised and settled back in a small shrug. "Whatever."

            And that was when they had taken the picture, both of them leaning against the tree next to each other. As Seifer thought about it, he wondered himself why Squall had agreed to take it. The boy hated pictures, and one with his rival? It was peculiar why he did it now that Seifer thought bout it.

            It was startling to Seifer at first, realizing that he had harbored these feeling at first, but he came to slowly accept them. For years he had dreamed of Squall returning his feelings… That was why he picked on him. Only so he could spend time with him, get a reaction out of him. He tried so hard…

            Ignoring his inner voice that was insisting on the impossible that Squall really did feel for him, he pulled off his clothes and lay back on the bed, closing his eyes and trying to block out the images of Squall lying there with him in his bed, panting and squirming underneath him.

Author's Note: *le sigh* I don't like this chapter for some reason. *shrugs* Oh well. Anyways, poor Seif, huh? Has no idea of what Squall's feeling… *shakes her head*

Anyways, next chapter will be bout poor Squally. But don't worry! He will be rid of Rinoa-

Squall: You mean the evil bitch.

Hush you! *glares* As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,  he will be rid of the girl next chapter (if all goes well with my writing and I don't get sidetracked). Alas, but I won't be updating soon… For I am going on vacation for 2 weeks. 

Seifer: *donning swim trunks and holding a surfboard* Whoo hoo! Beach time!

- -;;; Seifer, _I_ am going on vacation, not you. Who's going to take care of the house when I'm gone?

Seifer: *pouts* No fair!

Hey, you have Squall for company. You really shouldn't be complaining.

Seifer: *hentai grin*

*shakes her head* Are you always this horny?

Seifer: Of course.

*sweatdrops* Well as I was saying, sorry guys! I'll try and work on a chappy or two during then, but I wont be able to post anything. So sorry all of you. But I promise to have something up when I return. Till then, laters! *runs off and haphazardly throws clothes into a suitcase*


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